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[15 Jun 2005|09:20am]
I hardly ever use this journal so I figured I'd start using it.. I hate alot of people.. Most of which are girls that are hypocrites who really should listen to what they preach because they are saying one thing and doing another... Its stupid. I hate highschool and all of its glorified drama it produces.. Its retarded..

I wish I could just run away.. Escape it all.. I can't handle all this drama that the whole throws my way.. Some people are narrow minded enough to think that the only reason why I think my life sucks is because of my religion... Shows how much they know.. I don't have a religon because I don't believe in anything... I don't believe in heaven or hell... so I don't think that my life sucks because my religion.. People also think that I made myself this way... Who the fuck would be so messed up as to make themselves this way.. Do you think I wanted to be like this? do you think I want to cry myself to bed every night? Do you think I want to wake up every morning crying because of the fact that I'm still alive... No.. I didn't choose to be this way.. I was born this way... It was something that has been inside of me since i was born but one horrid event after another is what pushed it out of me... and now I'm this pityful mass of nothingness...

As you can tell I changed my outlook on life.. its no longer this is bright world full of possibilty... Its this dark place filled with endless miles of nothing... I don't care what happens to me now... Fuck it..I don't want to care about anything anymore.. its pointless.. you spend your life trying to become something...trying to achieve it all but you never will.. You never find yourself finished with everything you want.. You can never catch up.. Might as well give up now... Before its too late and I find myself in a mid-life crisis when I'm 40... its better that I'm going through it now.. rather than later... I was always mature for my age... (Says my uncle..)...

I miss Matt like the plague... I never get to talk to him anymore.. He's what keeps me sane.. I don't know.. Maybe I just need someone to talk too.. Maybe he's the only one that listens.. I don't know.. I miss the way he feels... the way he looks.. the way he smells.. I miss everythng about him... Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and try to fix everything that went wrong but maybe its supposed to be this way.. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone forever... Lets face it.. I don't deserve to be with anyone remotely descent..i always screw it up.. I did with Matt..and I'll probably do it again.. he deserves better.. Maybe I should just stop talking to him now.. Make the pain for me easier to bare.. by the time school begins I will be used to not seeing him so I guess it won't hurt so much... So yea.. I don't know.. I guess its up to him... If he wants to talk to me.. he will....Maybe then he'll tell me what I mean to him.. Thats I really want.. Is for him to tell me what he feels for me.. its been a long time since he's done that.. I just want to know if I still mean something.. Yea sure he tells me that he loves me.. but its not the same as when he used to tell me without even saying words... I don't maybe I'm asking for too much from him... I expect a lot from nothing.. Its crazy.. I want the world to fit in my pocket... I wish he would look at me the way he used to...I wish I could mean more than his friends.. It sucks.. I wish he would hold me again... *sighs*...

My mom called me fat again.. Well actually she thinks I'm a pregnant virigin.. even though I did have sex multiple times.. but she doesnt' know.. she thinks I'm pregnant.. she was all touching my stomach asking if I had my period yet.. I was like WTF woman get off... I'm not pregnant... Believe me.. I've taken the tests... I even went to a free clinic and had blood work done.. I'm not pregnant.. goodness...

Oh yea.. Saturday's work was interesting.. Gwen hugged me.. it was weird.. I wasn't even expecting it... Then Pat asked me if she apologized and I told her No.. and Pat got all offended like it had been done to her.. she said that the least she could have done was apologize.. She said that it was either quit or be fired... I don't know.. and I don't care.. I'd rather not talk to her... She's finally shown her true colors... And those colors have some serious issues... Its crazy... At least when I turned in the comments I was genuinely worried about my safety.. she did it just to spite me... But whatever.. its done and over with... and everyone was telling me that they were happy to see me.. rather than her walk through the doors...
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A Beautiful Letdown... [20 Jul 2004|11:37am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Yea..Seems to me like people can't be trusted anymore...They say one thing and then complain about you behind your back... So yea..Whatever.. I don't need that crap right now...And Matt if are reading this... I'm Not talking about you... so cool your jets..haha.. YEa.. so today..I went to the Island Lake to pick up a key for my sister.. and then I drove to the Crystal Lake office and dropped it off...and now i'm home..around 1230 or 100 Leena is going to come over and we're going to go apply at some stores... (Ma's making me... ) And then we're going to come back and swim in the pool..YAY...I miss the pool... I havent been in it since sunday haha..I'm having one of those dirty moments...Because my arms are tanner than the rest of my body...Very upsetting when i take a shower...*tears* I don't know why matt said it was a big deal... Because people say *GASP*...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU???

2 Are Damned And Disorderly| Read The Chronicles

My nightmare... [19 Jul 2004|08:12am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Today I woke up... And I realized that it was a nightmare that I was waking up TO not a nightmare I'm waking up FROM .... And the thing that sucks the most is that I can't talk to anyone about my problems... (I learned that the hard way...) cuz matt complained that I never opened up to him... And then when I finally did he had enough and left.. I'm not making that mistake again... so I decided to not talk about my problems ever again... Expect on here... Cuz I'm not really talking to anyone.. I'm just venting... So I'm not really breaking my rules... (YAY FOR LOOPHOLES..) hah...neways.. Today I was supposed to go to the store with matt but I don't think thats going to happen.. because I don't think he's home.. and I don't really want to have to go through the pain and trouble of calling him with the chance that he won't be there again.. so yea.. its funny that the one person i used to see and talk to everyday is the one person that won't talk to me anymore or see me anymore... Is it weird that I can actually feel my own heart breaking? Its like everytime I read an e-mail from him or talk to him...its like another piece of my heart falls and shatters into a million pieces...Ick.. Maybe I'm being overdramatic.. Who knows.. ugh... I feel so lonely..

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Bored... [17 Jul 2004|01:07pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

your asshole.

What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Another Survey [14 Jul 2004|02:24pm]
Question time!
First: of course: Name:Ashley
hair style:Depends On My Mood
do you have one or two eyes? and what color are they?:Two Eyes... Brown
do you have all your body parts?:Yes
do you like those body parts?:Not really
If yes: what's your favorite part?:I don't know
what about your toenails? Are they painted or not?:Not
your fingernails? long/ short?: medium sized
do you wear contacts or glasses or neither?:Neither
if you made a survey what would one of your questions be?:Whats your favorite Superhero?
do you like dogs?:Yes
do you have dog?:No
can you drive?:Yes
Are you legal (18):No
Are you an adult? (21):No
Have you had your golden birthday?:Not till December 17th
What is your golden birthday?:December 17th
Are you bored with my quiz yet?:Yes
ok.. Relationship stuff
do you have a boyfriend?:Not anymore
A girlfriend?:No
If yes: how long have you two been together?:
If no: Have you ever had a boy/girl friend?:Yes
If you don't have one.. I could hook you up with someone.would u like that?:Matt Forseth again..
do you like dancing?:When I'm drunk
Define 1st base:Holding Hands/ Little Pecks here and there
2nd:Kissing Open Mouthed or Closed..
3rd:Oral Sex..Hand Jobs..Just playing around
and finally home and a homerun:Sex...Actual intercourse..
have you ever gotten home?:Yes..
where's the farthest you've made it?:All the way..
have you ever kissed in a park?:Yes
in a pool?:No
on the beach?:Yes
in your bedroom?:No
Single people
do you like to dance?:When I'm drunk
can you sing?:Yes
do you have any talent?:Yes
how many boy/girl friends have you had?:One
Just Stuff
what color do you wear the most?:Depends on my mood..
do you believe in love or lust?:Both
what's more important: love or lust?:Depends on the person
One or the other:
dollars vs. pesos:dollars
peanut vs. plain:Peanuts
snapple vs. kool-aid:Kool-Aid
can you always get what you want?:No
Dell vs. Gateway:Dell
PDA vs. blackberry:Blackberry
public displays of affection:YES
dancing in public..:YES
by yourself:YES
gay marriages:YES
Bush being president again:YES
Kerry being president:NO
that's the end.. hope you enjoyed it!:okay?

Love, Life, and Happiness... A random long survey brought to you by BZOINK!
4 Are Damned And Disorderly| Read The Chronicles

[14 Jul 2004|07:26am]
I'm tired...and I hate my life...And I'm sore...
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So Tired... [12 Jul 2004|07:01am]
[ mood | groggy ]

Okay well my niece finally left yesterday... It was funny.. She got so used to being with me all day that my sister had to wait until she fell asleep in order to leave.. hah.. Jebus... I'm so damn tired.. I didn't fall asleep till like 3 am... I think I have insomnia or something.. Who knows.. Okay well today I have a double header in Richmond Burton... I didn't really want to go...But my sister is making me... Neways...I have no plans for the morning... But oh well.. I guess I'll manage...

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Ick... [11 Jul 2004|05:25pm]
I had a softball game today... its was hot as fuck.. and I'm now tired as hell... But the grandslam i hit was all worth it..yup yup.. well I don't feel like writing and more... so ya...
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My Great Love.. [11 Jul 2004|08:07am]
A great love?? It's when you shed tears for him but still you
care for him. It's when he ignored you but you still long for
him. It's when he starts loving another, and yet you manage
a smile and find the courage to say "I'm happy for you."
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[11 Jul 2004|07:06am]
The sad thing is.... I still love him..
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Unliving Love... [10 Jul 2004|08:21am]
Matt once told me that I have never shown love...And that he was going to show it to me... But the thing is... If this is what love feels like.. Then I don't ever want to fall in love again...
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Taken Blame... [09 Jul 2004|07:58pm]
[ mood | moody ]

Okay...Well I just found that there was an issue of not trusting me... I must say that i had no idea... Hum...Wonder why he didn't tell me... Neways..One day me and brian are going to have cheesecake and lemonade slushies... But we have to wait till things settle down in his relationship.. yup yup... Me and him were talking today..And the cool thing was that we had an actual conversation...this has been the first time that happened since I first met him last JULY... hah...Took the boy a year to finally become comfortable around me...Yea so..He was asking me if I would date this one guy that likes me..and I told him no...Because of the fact that if I can't have Matt..I don't want anyone else..Everyone says that I'm better off without him and that i'm too good for him..But if thats so...Then why didn't he dump me..and why doesn't he trust me...And when I heard from brian that I broke his trust..That just broke my heart...I didn't even know.. I never meant to hurt Matt like that.. God..Why is my life so fucked up? I don't get it.. Everything was so good and then it went all bad... Its like that Nickleback song...Somethings gotta go wrong cuz I'm feelin way too damn good... Or whatever the hell its called... Well I think I've made some progress since Tuesday..meaning that I'm not consumed by my depression...And I can pretend to be happy if its deemed necessary... But the thing is the minute I'm all alone in my room..I start to think about him and all the good times we used to have together... Like the first time we held my hand... It was funny because I was complaining about how he did it..and then one day he offered his hand to me...And that just about took my breath away... Or like the time he decorated my locker with valentines on valentines day... Its was so sweet...There was like 40 valentines with sweet notes on them....God..I miss him... Its sad that everytime I talk to him on the phone or online... I just want scream I miss you...Or I love you... I feel like i'm in my own nightmare...And all I want to do is wake up...Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe...And the next thing I know I'm gasping for air and getting dizzy...Its during the night that its the worst for me... I wake up like every 5 minutes thinking that I'm hearing Matt calling my name...Or feeling his arms all over my body... And everytime I fall asleep I have this nightmare where I'm at Matt's Funeral...And I'm doing his uligy...and then when I was done I was walking by his casket..And I hear this whisper saying my name...and I turn around..and I look at Matts body all confused..and then he pops his eyes open and says "It's All Your Fault"...And then I wake up all sweaty and whatnot.. and then there are times in the day where I take a nap to pass the time..and I'll have the dream...and I'll wake up all sweaty.. I swear, I've taken like 4 showers a day now... Cuz who wants to be all sweaty and gross? Well I guess that all for now..

4 Are Damned And Disorderly| Read The Chronicles

Drowning in my tears... [09 Jul 2004|07:20am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Yesterday I was out with some friends...And they were talking about how Matt was a jackass...And that I was better off without him... And its funny because I blew up at them... I was talking about how I was drawn to him... Its something that i can't fight if I wanted too... And that no matter what I'll always love him...And he's the reason why I am who I am today... I bitched at them for like 20 minutes...And when I was done... they were speechless.. So um yea... Lately I think I've been blowing up at everyone... Anyone who says his name, I just feel the need to bitch at...Well neway... I still want to die... So nothing much has changed..

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Here I Am. [08 Jul 2004|08:14am]
[ mood | drained ]

Here I Am, This is me
This is where I was meant to be

A Heart so used and so shattered
Knowing now that I never mattered

It broke my heart and i wanted to die
But then you said it was my time to fly

So I took to the sky, and when I drew near
I started to drown in my own fear

I feel like I'm fading and don't what to do
All I ever wanted, was to be there with you

I gave you my heart, and you threw it to the floor
And gave me a oneway ticket, right out the door

So I'll put on a smile and pretend I'm okay
And not think about, all the things I want to say

(for) Here I am, This is me
This is where I was meant to be

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A Heartful Void [08 Jul 2004|07:11am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Why is it that I'm the only one hurting? Did I not mean anything to him or something?

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Waves of Sorrow.. [07 Jul 2004|06:25pm]
Today was my first day of being permenantly single... I've been avoiding this topic in my mind since it happened..Mainly because of the fact that if i don't talk or think about it.. Maybe it will go away....Like this is some sort of the dream and I find that I'm constantly trying to pinch myself awake...

Lately everyone has been trying to make me talk about what happened... But I just don't want to... Frankly.. Its hurts to much to even think about it... Last night night I stayed up all night mainly because of the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about him... All I could think about was how I just wanted to go up to him so he could hold me in his arms and tell me that everything will be okay... Its like everytime I try to fall asleep all I can see is his face...And I feel like I can't breathe sometimes... Its feels like my heart is litterally falling apart in front of me...

He says that if I wanted to be friends...we could.. and that he'll always be there for me if i needed him... But the thing is...I'm not so sure if i can handle that...Its funny...but at the beginning he was talking about how the first time he saw me.. he could tell that I'd been hurt many times in the past... and that it was clearly visiable in my eyes..Who knew that he would just add to the pain??

Ever since i was little I've had trouble letting people in and seeing the real me...Almost if I have this protective shell preventing people to see my true vulnerablity...In fact no one really knows the true me.. Except for Matt... He was the only one that I trusted enough to let inside.. He may think that I didn't... But I did...At the beginning of our relationship I did...And then he dumped me the first time..And I got scared... So I retreated back to my shell...And so I guess I brought this on my self... But deep within me...theres a scared little gurl looking for someone to hold her tight and protect her from harm...

When this first happened that I thought that my world had just ended...but I'm beginning to think that it didn't...Because maybe this was for the best...Yea sure we had lots of fun together...but I don't think neither of us were truely happy...Both of our personalities were a combination for disaster...So I guess that its better that it ended now instead of two or three years from now...

This beauty has lost her beast...
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My disfunctional self... [07 Jul 2004|03:22pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Nihilist Bear
Nihilist Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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A little know how... [07 Jul 2004|11:44am]
[ mood | cranky ]

In 1987 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan is president of the US

Wall Street crashes sending the Dow Jones Industrial average down 22.6%

President Reagan and Soviet Leader Gorbachev sign an unprecedented missile reduction agreement

Televangelist Jim Bakker resigns amid accusations of sexual infidelity and financial impropriety

Wall Street financier Ivan Boesky is sentenced to three years in prison in an insider trading scandal

Gary Hart withdraws from the 1988 presidential campaign under accusations of infidelity

The Food and Drug Administration approves anti-AIDS drug AZT

Prozac makes its debut in the US

Bow Wow, Joss Stone, and Hilary Duff are born

Minnesota Twins win the World Series

New York Giants win Superbowl XXI

Edmonton Oilers win the Stanley Cup

Three Men and a Baby is the top grossing film

"Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles spends the most time at the top of the US charts

Full House, Married with Children, and Star Trek: The Next Generation premiere

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

More cool things for your blog at
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Song of my Life... [07 Jul 2004|11:39am]
[ mood | crappy ]

(So Much For) My Happy Ending

So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
oh oh, oh oh, oh...

I think its funny that I was up till like 4 am... cuz I couldn't sleep at all... and I decided to listen to the radio... and that song started to play... And what even funnier is that it fits my life like a glove.... *sighs*.... I need my Pher...And some lemonade...

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ugh... [07 Jul 2004|10:24am]
Well this is my FINAL new journal...yup yup... At least its spelled right now... Yea... many changes have been made lately...Including the fact that I lost like 8lbs over nights...so ya...
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